Archive for April, 2011

I’m Sick Of…


Nothing focuses you more on the playoffs than starting your own reality TV show.

The Lakers

This may come off as sounding bitter or reactionary, considering that the Lakers are two-time defending champions, clinched the second seed in the Western Conference this year, and are in another pursuit for a championship… but after Game 4 of the Lakers-Hornets series last night, I am officially sick of this team.  I’m sick of the fact that we have possibly the best bench in the game, and yet nobody is willing to step up.  I’m sick of the fact that Pau Gasoft won’t assert himself in the paint and settles for jump shots when he could easily abuse the Hornet’s interior.  I’m plain ol’ tired of Derek Fisher and how slow he is on defense and how bad he’s become on offense.  More than anything, I’m sick of this team just not seeming to care until they are on the brink of elimination.  This team got off to such a hot start that people were talking about them surpassing Jordan’s 72-win Bulls team.  And you know what, I honestly think they could have done it too, if it weren’t for the fact that they constantly play down to their competition and seemingly pick and choose when they want to make an effort to play.  I could explain away the multiple 3+ losing streaks this regular season, that disastrous 5-game losing streak towards the end of the season… the Lakers do this every year, I rationalized, even defended.  But I can’t explain this… this lackadaisical, unassertive, almost bored style of play. Maybe they’ll right the ship, maybe they won’t, but it’s just frustrating to see them out there like this.  Hey, at least we still have Khloe and Lamar.

Our Weakening Dollar


That's actually what my dollar bills in my wallet look like.

I understand why our dollar is so shitty right now.  The rising value of comparative currencies/economies, artificially low interest rates by the Federal Reserve, the federal government printing it like crazy to fund Obamacare, the rising cost and scarcity of raw materials (especially oil)… whatever.  I get it.  I’m just fucking sick of it.  HEY FEDS!  STOP MASS PRINTING THIS SHIT TO BAIL OUT OF YOUR DEBT SO YOU CAN FUND MORE WELFARE PROGRAMS! YOU THINK YOU’RE HELPING, BUT YOU’RE JUST FUCKING OVER ALL OF US!!  It doesn’t take a Nobel-prize winning economist to figure out that the current situation is not working.   I understand the proponents of this absurd status quo defend the Fed’s actions by claiming shocks in the money supply could lead to an even greater recession… but guess what, that’s the only way market correction is going to occur.  Keep this artificial cycle up, and we’re all going to go bust.  Sometimes I think my looney friends who buy gold and keep it locked under a safe next to their handguns aren’t so crazy after all. The way the Feds are circulating this shit, hyper-inflation is bound to hit us by 2012.  Maybe the Mayans were right.  END OF THE WORLD, HERE WE COME.


Fuck! My Fantasy Football league!

The NFL Lockout

Nothing is more annoying than listening about millionaires and billionaires argue about how to divide $9 billion.  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, THERE’S A FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON TO PREPARE FOR HERE!!!  We’re already missing the normal free agency period and all the rookies coming in this season are going to be totally unprepared to contribute because they’ll lack the necessary weeks of training camp.  I am going to go completely ape-shit if the regular season is shortened or delayed in any way.  Do the owners/players not realize how disgusted Americans are about this?  Oh well, at least this dispute sounds like it will be settled eventually… the NBA lockout on the horizon looks much worse.  Players and owners literally disagree about whether the NBA is making or losing money there.  A lockout is almost a certainty.  Fuck, there goes my fantasy basketball league.


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Dodger Blues


Frank (left) and Jamie (right) McCourt

Yesterday marked a turning point for the embarrassing ordeal Dodgers fans everywhere have had to endure for the past several seasons – MLB officially took over the day-to-day operations of the Dodgers franchise.  On the heels of a shady $30 million loan against the Dodgers that Frank McCourt received from FOX, Bud Selig, commissioner of MLB, relieved Frank McCourt of control over the team and released this statement:

“I informed Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt today that I will appoint a representative to oversee all aspects of the business and the day-to-day operations of the Club.  I have taken this action because of my deep concerns regarding the finances and operations of the Dodgers and to protect the best interests of the Club, its great fans and all of Major League Baseball. My office will continue its thorough investigation into the operations and finances of the Dodgers and related entities during the period of Mr. McCourt’s ownership.”

When Frank McCourt isn’t leveraging the Dodgers future to pay off his over-extended loans and debts, he is busy fighting his cunt of an ex-wife, Jamie McCourt, in a bitter divorce case that is just now winding down into the settlement phase.  In this potential settlement, Frank McCourt would retain sole ownership of the Dodgers, but have to pay off his ex-wife with vast sums of money, which he currently does not possess.

The examples of Frank McCourt’s dire economic straits are clear to anyone who has been watching this beleaguered team.  Stadium security was heavily scrutinized following the attack on a San Francisco Giants fan, as many critics claimed police presence was inadequate to poor in many areas of the park and parking lot.  Payroll has been steadily decreasing from year-to-year, and the McCourt’s divorce has paralyzed the franchise from acquiring top free agents.

While both Frank and Jamie McCourt are easy to despise at this point, I urge all Dodgers fans to funnel their hatred towards Jamie.  When the couple moved to L.A., and bought lavish amounts of properties using Frank’s money, most property holdings were listed in Jamie’s name to take advantage of tax loopholes.  The Dodgers were purchased, and to be retained, solely in Frank’s name.  Like any woman nearing the end of a divorce, however, Jamie claimed she owned half of the Dodgers and spiraled this team into the financial abyss it currently finds itself in.

It’s not enough that Jamie retains all the property holdings she basically stole from her ex-husband.  Nor is it enough that she receives over $637,000 a month from a court-ordered ruling from Frank for spousal support and mortgage payments.  This woman is so vile that she is willing to destroy the Dodgers in order to receive financial payments which she doesn’t deserve in the first place.

Jamie McCourt, you are an evil, greedy, lying bitch.  You have ruined the Dodgers franchise and arrested our ability to capitalize on this incredible group of talent.  Women such as yourself infest our society, whoring themselves around with their personal trainers behind their husbands’ backs, stealing their husbands’ money, and bitching about how you are entitled to half of your husbands’ assets during divorce proceedings.  Cunt, you did nothing for the Dodgers.  You are entitled to half of my left nut.  California divorce law is a sham, yet another shining example of our broken legal system fucking over the entrepreneurs and bread-winners and protecting the undeserved wenches of society.

I’m done with the McCourts, and you should be too.  Hopefully the next owners to buy the Dodgers won’t have a succubus as CEO.

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What 4/20 Should Really Stand For

    Today is 4/20, a holiday widely celebrated by stoners, glaucoma patients, and casual marijuana users alike (also fans of Hitler and occultists, but that’s for another article).  Invariably around this time, there’s also a large showing from the pro-legalization camp for medicinal marijuana.  As a California resident, I can say candidly that most medicinal marijuana is consumed by perfectly healthy people, and the requirements for getting a license to gain access to dispensaries are a joke.  Legalization of medicinal marijuana will inevitably lead to legalization of marijuana, period… but is that a bad thing?

   My bankrupt state recently tried to pass a ballot initiative that would have legalized all marijuana in the state, and allowed the government to tax and regulate it.  Proponents of the initiative claimed it would generate billions of dollars in tax revenue, while also saving billions of dollars in law enforcement, court, and prison fees.  I think this idea is brilliant, but it doesn’t go far enough.

   I believe all drugs should be legalized, but not in that hippie, bullshit sense, nor in that Libertarian, Ron Paul-esque ideal .  No, I believe all drugs should be legalized because they have become the socially accepted barriers to social mobility in modern society, and through its legalization we can encourage more drug use among the unwashed masses to systematically separate them from the rest of society.  Long gone are the days when we could openly discriminate about race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or creed.  The fact that we can save billions of dollars in law enforcement, court and legal fees, and generate billions in taxes, and literally end inner-city violence and border warfare between drug cartels – that’s all secondary.

   Removing the illegality of all drugs erases any doubt in our mind about who is responsible for taking what.  Want to smoke a little marijuana?  Sure, why not.  Enjoy an empty, shallow life on heroin?  Good, no more welfare for you.  We can enter hard drug users directly into a database, and forever cut them off from welfare spending.  No more government funds, accrued from hard-working Americans, to support the degenerate lifestyles of the parasitic, drug-addicted poor.  Legalization of all drugs would reveal the underbelly of America for what it really is – and allow us to brutally sever it from the whole.

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