Archive for July, 2011
We are mere weeks away from the United States defaulting on its financial obligations. Without increasing the debt ceiling, the federal government will be unable to pay the costs of our enormous welfare state and our interest rates will sky-rocket. America’s first Kenyan president, Obama, claims that Republicans have been irresponsible cry-babies who are blocking progress towards raising the debt ceiling by stone-walling the debate. Republicans, who now hold majority control in the House, have reasonably argued that in light of the disastrous financial crisis in 2008 and the ongoing recession, we should exercise some constraint and work to reduce our debt in the future through spending cuts. This logic falls on the deaf ears of the Democrats and Kenya’s favorite son, who don’t want any cuts in our massive welfare state, but rather increased taxes to further stifle economic recovery.
HOW THE FUCK IS ANYONE A DEMOCRAT?! YOU MUST BE FUCKING RETARDED IF YOU CAN’T SEE WHO IS RIGHT OR WRONG ON THIS ISSUE.
This isn’t a matter of left or right, liberal or conservative. It’s simple fucking logic. The main reason we’re in this financial mess is because Americans borrowed more money than we could, whether it be on credit cards they couldn’t pay off or mortgages on homes they couldn’t afford. Republicans have learned this lesson, and their efforts to introduce budget cuts reflect this learned principle. Democrats, however, keep thinking it can be business-as-usual, simply borrowing unlimited money and going further and further into debt. It’s outrageous that Obama and the Democrats are actually making the ludicrous claim that the Republicans are the irresponsible ones here. The only way you can think otherwise is if you’re a fucking moron and can’t appreciate logic.
The suggestion that we can simply maintain our egregiously large welfare state by increasing tax revenues spits in the face of reason. How does this make any fucking sense, when job creation is at its lowest levels since the Great Depression and we’re suffering from over double-digit unemployment. And don’t let the Democrats fool you – this isn’t taxes on the richest 1-2% either, it’s corporate taxes and middle-income families. Not only would such a policy arrest our recovering economy, it would put us in a perilous situation where we continue to think we can still support this extravagant welfare state.
We need some real fucking solutions here. Social Security is a huge Ponzi scheme. As a young American under 30, I’m paying into a system that will undoubtedly collapse before I’ll be able to cash anything out. Fuck the elderly and the poor. You know who took care of the elderly before Social Security? FAMILIES. Maybe if we didn’t have all these faggot couples marrying in New York and divorce rates over 50%, we’d still have a semblance of an idea what a family unit was. Families should take care of the elderly, and only the very small number of elderly without familial connections should be put in government-run nursing homes. No Social Security. At all. And fuck welfare and Medicaid. If you want to escape poverty, either do it through your own means by getting an education and getting a job, or join the military. I’m sick and tired of seeing our country being dragged down by the weight of these free-riding, welfare recipients, who are more content smoking their crack pipes in the projects and looking forward to their monthly welfare checks than working a low-income job to support themselves. Realistically, we should forcibly sterilize all these mother fuckers, or maybe put them in forced labor camps.
These austerity measures may be a little extreme for the mainstream public. At least right now. But mark my fucking words – if we follow the path of the Democrats, we are going to be fucking ruined.
In honor of this July 4th weekend, I thought it would be fitting to make a short list of the biggest reasons why I love this great country.
5. Manifest Destiny
We’re coast to fucking coast, baby. Who the fuck cares about vacationing in Europe? I don’t want to see a bunch of decrepit ruins. We have everything in this great country – the best Clam Chowdah from New England, the Rust Belt in the Midwest, the Heartland in the South, Everglades and Lebron’s South Beach in Florida, mile-high Coors Field in the Rockies and the best state overall in California. Oh, and we also decided to add non-contiguous states too with a tropical island (Hawaii) and a vast wilderness escape (Alaska) because that wasn’t enough for us. We are bad-ass. And look what we’ve done with the country – metropolises, suburbs, with a teeming population of righteous Americans. A lot better than those ganga-smoking Indians, I’ll tell you that much.
When I went to Mexico a few years ago on business, some little punk asked me if I loved football. “Sure, I love football,” I said. “Great sport!” Excited, he started talking about the Mexican Soccer team and how he couldn’t wait to see them advance in the World Cup. Hold the fuck up here. Football is a gladiatorial sport played with freakishly large athletes pumped full of anabolic steroids. The objective of the game is to move a piece of dead pig into the opposing team’s territory, and you can beat, mash, and do everything short of murder the opposing players to achieve your objective. This is not the same as soccer. Soccer is for fucking pansies. You can’t touch the ball and everyone takes more dives to the floor on contact than Derek Fisher. Soccer is for girly-men, and Football is for champions. Is there any doubt why the rest of the world is infatuated with soccer, and Americans only love football?
3. Our Military
We are bad-asses. We spend more on our military than the next ten countries put together. We can wage two wars concurrently and have it not effect the daily life of the average citizen at all. If we wanted to, we could invade, conquer, and establish Canada as the 51st state and the only thing that would happen is a U.N. objection. And guess what? The U.N. is located in San Francisco. Hahahaha! We dream fucking big. There are probably all sorts of weapons that could annihilate hundreds of millions of people the average citizen doesn’t even know about. Nobody would ever dare fuck with us, because if they do, we’ll invade their country, massacre their civilian populations, and install puppet governments. That’s fucking awesome.
2. Our Movies
Say what you will about Hollywood’s decline and the rise of sequels. Anything that comes out of Hollywood shits on Bollywood or other foreign movies. I read somewhere that more and more movies are coming out of India and gaining more credibility. I’ve seen those movies. They suck shit. If you want to watch a bunch of monkeys running around, eating curry and dancing like a terrorist, knock yourself out. I’ll stick to the proven formula of near-nudity and gratuitous violence American movies are known for. There are literally zero good foreign movies. If you think there’s a foreign movie better than an American movie, you might be a terrorist.
1. Our Patriotism
If you don’t include the liberals, Americans still love this country. We are proud to breath the fresh air of freedom, to drink the liberty of Coca Cola, and to piss out the inalienable rights we are all born with. We aren’t held at gunpoint to chant an oath of loyalty to the People’s Congress (China). We aren’t trying to become some international league of nations without national identity (E.U.). No, we are proud to be Americans and we love our Constitution. Who cares if the average citizen doesn’t know all the amendments, or even half of them. The fact that we even have them is worlds better than other backwards countries.
So do your patriotic duty. Buy some American beer. Grill some red-blooded meat. Fuck some loose, skanky woman this weekend. Do Uncle Sam proud.