Archive for category Rants & Ramblings
In honor of this July 4th weekend, I thought it would be fitting to make a short list of the biggest reasons why I love this great country.
5. Manifest Destiny
We’re coast to fucking coast, baby. Who the fuck cares about vacationing in Europe? I don’t want to see a bunch of decrepit ruins. We have everything in this great country – the best Clam Chowdah from New England, the Rust Belt in the Midwest, the Heartland in the South, Everglades and Lebron’s South Beach in Florida, mile-high Coors Field in the Rockies and the best state overall in California. Oh, and we also decided to add non-contiguous states too with a tropical island (Hawaii) and a vast wilderness escape (Alaska) because that wasn’t enough for us. We are bad-ass. And look what we’ve done with the country – metropolises, suburbs, with a teeming population of righteous Americans. A lot better than those ganga-smoking Indians, I’ll tell you that much.
When I went to Mexico a few years ago on business, some little punk asked me if I loved football. “Sure, I love football,” I said. “Great sport!” Excited, he started talking about the Mexican Soccer team and how he couldn’t wait to see them advance in the World Cup. Hold the fuck up here. Football is a gladiatorial sport played with freakishly large athletes pumped full of anabolic steroids. The objective of the game is to move a piece of dead pig into the opposing team’s territory, and you can beat, mash, and do everything short of murder the opposing players to achieve your objective. This is not the same as soccer. Soccer is for fucking pansies. You can’t touch the ball and everyone takes more dives to the floor on contact than Derek Fisher. Soccer is for girly-men, and Football is for champions. Is there any doubt why the rest of the world is infatuated with soccer, and Americans only love football?
3. Our Military
We are bad-asses. We spend more on our military than the next ten countries put together. We can wage two wars concurrently and have it not effect the daily life of the average citizen at all. If we wanted to, we could invade, conquer, and establish Canada as the 51st state and the only thing that would happen is a U.N. objection. And guess what? The U.N. is located in San Francisco. Hahahaha! We dream fucking big. There are probably all sorts of weapons that could annihilate hundreds of millions of people the average citizen doesn’t even know about. Nobody would ever dare fuck with us, because if they do, we’ll invade their country, massacre their civilian populations, and install puppet governments. That’s fucking awesome.
2. Our Movies
Say what you will about Hollywood’s decline and the rise of sequels. Anything that comes out of Hollywood shits on Bollywood or other foreign movies. I read somewhere that more and more movies are coming out of India and gaining more credibility. I’ve seen those movies. They suck shit. If you want to watch a bunch of monkeys running around, eating curry and dancing like a terrorist, knock yourself out. I’ll stick to the proven formula of near-nudity and gratuitous violence American movies are known for. There are literally zero good foreign movies. If you think there’s a foreign movie better than an American movie, you might be a terrorist.
1. Our Patriotism
If you don’t include the liberals, Americans still love this country. We are proud to breath the fresh air of freedom, to drink the liberty of Coca Cola, and to piss out the inalienable rights we are all born with. We aren’t held at gunpoint to chant an oath of loyalty to the People’s Congress (China). We aren’t trying to become some international league of nations without national identity (E.U.). No, we are proud to be Americans and we love our Constitution. Who cares if the average citizen doesn’t know all the amendments, or even half of them. The fact that we even have them is worlds better than other backwards countries.
So do your patriotic duty. Buy some American beer. Grill some red-blooded meat. Fuck some loose, skanky woman this weekend. Do Uncle Sam proud.
I saw the trailer for Moneyball yesterday before watching The Green Lantern, and I don’t know whether or not to see this movie. On the one hand, I think Brad Pitt is a phenomenal actor, the storyline intrigues me, I read the book, and how often do you see a movie based off sabermetrics? Cool. On the other hand, I fucking hate Jonah Hill, and the fact that he’s been cast as Peter Brand, the ingenious assistant to general manager Billy Beane (Brad Pitt’s character) might lead me to boycott the movie altogether.
Now I know some of you are saying I’m over-reacting. “Jonah Hill is funny! Superbad was awesome!” Yes, Superbad was funny, but that was because Jonah Hill’s character was a fat fucking loser who couldn’t get laid and was socially inept. My favorite part of the movie was early on when he got spat on the face by the punks near the liquor store. Take that, you fat ugly fuck. Jonah Hill more or less played the same character in Knocked Up, but it was a minor role and thus he was less memorable(that movie also featured the adult version of Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, who is equally fat and disgusting in addition to always being cast as a stoner). The shift away from this lovable idiot role started with Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where Jonah was a drug dealer waiter at some island resort in Hawaii with witty one-liners and the nerve to mock rock stars. In reality, if a fat ass waiter mocked a rock star in real life, there wouldn’t be hilarious banter back-and-forth. There would be immediate job termination of said fat ass waiter… maybe a physical beat-down as well.
My sneaking suspicion that Jonah Hill was transforming into a “cool, hip” actor was fully realized with Get Him to the Greek, an awful film in which Jonah played the enviable role of an up-and-coming Hollywood agent who gets into all sorts of exclusive bars/clubs and fucks all sorts of hot bitches. Hold the fuck up here. When did we approve of this? Jonah Hill is funny to me when I’m laughing at him, not with him. I want to see him fail and be spurned by ladies, not succeed and bang girls I can only dream of getting with. This switch infuriated me, and the fact that it’s being continued with Moneyball infuriates me even more. There is no fucking way Jonah Hill, in all his disgusting, fat, horribly unwitty self should be allowed to become Hollywood cool.
I would rather two big black men gorilla fuck and double penetrate my wife/girlfriend/sister/mother than have a one-on-one with Jonah Hill. The fact that Jonah Hill already gets tons of pussy in real life because of his money and fame pisses me off. If he starts playing that character in movies, I will just boycott every Jonah Hill movie ever made. Think about it – we all know women are money-grubbing whores, with no regards for character, personality, or good looks. In Hollywood movies, we can still convince ourselves that women are attracted to the latter. If you start churning out movies where fat disgusting fucks like Jonah Hill gets the job, gets the money, AND gets the girls… why, you’ve destroyed Hollywood magic and all that is holy.
Fuck you Jonah Hill. The fact that you’re famous, and you got your start as being a fat fucking loser pisses me off to no end. Now that you’re transitioning from that beginning, you think you can land a role next to Brad Pitt in a movie I’ve long waited to see? No, it doesn’t work that easy. I pray America is still a land of shallow, empty people who will be repulsed by your rolling double chins and that disgusting thing you call facial hair. I pray Moneyball tanks, and the reviews for the movie blast your casting choice and you will forever be typecast as a fucking loser like Rob Schneider. I know ten disgusting fat fucks from high school and college that can portray your characters just as well as you can, you pathetic excuse of an actor. You are not witty, you are not cool, and the only thing funny about you was laughing at you.
FUCK JONAH HILL.
From: Medina Justin Yak
HELLO MY DEAR,PLEASE HELP ME OUT.
I am writing this mail to you With due respect trust and humanity, i appeal to you to exercise a little patience and read through my letter i feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business having gone through your remarkable profile, honestly i am writing this email to you with pains, tears and sorrow from my heart, i will really like to have a good relationship with you and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you, i decided to contact you due to the urgency of my situation, My name is Medina Justin Yak, 25yrs old female from Southern Sudan in Africa.
My father Dr. Justin Yak Arop was the former Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Adviser to President Salva Kiir of South Sudan for Decentralization. My father Dr. Justin Yak, my mother including other top Military officers and top government officials where on board when the plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008. You can read more about the crash through the below site:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7380412.stm
Some months after the burial of my father, my uncle conspired with my step mother and sold my father’s properties to a Chinese Expatriate. On a faithful morning I opened my father’s briefcase and found out document which my beloved late father used and deposit money in a Bank in Burkina Faso , with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself. The Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my present status does not permit me by the local law to clear such money or make a transfer of the money into an account, he advice me to provide a trustee who will help me and invest the money or I should wait till when I will get married it demand by their Authority.
I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own blood sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me. More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle has threatened to assassinate me. The amount is $5.6 Million and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso . You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country.
However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it till i come over because I am afraid of my wicked uncle who has threatened to kill me.
Medina Justin Yak
To: Medina Justin Yak
That sounds awful! Of course I sympathize with your situation. I would be honored to serve as your trustee to help facilitate your escape from your evil uncle.
I do not need 20% of any wired fees to help. Please let me know your exact address, and I will personally take a flight to war-torn Sudan and meet you in person to aid your exodus. This way, you can see me firsthand and know that I am a person of trust and moral character, and not some charlatan who would deceive you to steal your money.
P.S. I find it odd that your family name is “Justin.” Is that common in Sudanese culture?
From: Medina Justin Yak
Thanks for your mail and i received your email with lots of excitement, because when I sent the letter to you my heart has been over occupied with thoughts and fear if my situation will touch your heart to come for my rescue.
Firstly, I am emailing you from the office of the Rev .Father in the Christ De King Refugee Mission Camp where i am hiding my self now, because of my step mother and uncle who is trying to take this my Fund from me, I told the Rev. Father Dennis about my communication with you and he permitted me to access my email in his office computer twice a day,
Presently, i lost my phone, but if you want to call me, you can call me with the office Number of the Rev Father (00226 76 94 24 39) here in the refugees camp and ask of Medina Justin Yak that stays in the female hostel block G12 when you will call me.
life here in the Refugee camp is very difficult to me, I cannot be able to eat three times a day, I am really suffering here, it makes me cry each day and night when i look at my condition here, but I know that with you i will soon come out from this my present condition and have a new life with you,
I have been in the bank for several times and I was informed by the Director of the bank that before this fund will be transferred, I must have to present a trustee that will stand on behalf of me as my trustee. Because of my present condition as a refugee and also advice from my Father before his death.
I have already make up my mind to come over to your country since you have already decided to help me, even if you want me to come over before the transaction I will so much like it because I am suffering here in the Refugee Camp,and i so much appreciate all your promises concerning to hep me, I pray that God will give you the courage and the heart to help me,
1) I am Medina Justin Yak 25 years old girl from ( Sudan) Concerning this transaction, I have the deposit certificate and the death registration certificate of my late father, which I have presented before the Bank manager and i am assuring you it is not going to bring any problem now or future.
About my Education, I was admitted in the University in 2007 there I did my one year subject in accountancy before the Death of my beloved parents, and I will like to continue as soon as i relocate to your country, because this is a promise i promise to my Father,.
So dear I need your informations which I will include iiinformation’s of authorization so information’send it to bank as my trustee
I am waiting for this information so that I will send the letter to the bank, and please remember that you should keep this only to yourself till the money has been transferred.
I do not want anyone to know about it, you know that they are so many wicked people in the world, that they will see good thing coming to you and they will stop it, I am a living witness, so promise me that you will keep it to yourself, so that the whole transfer will be ok. also need your picture so that I will know whom i am doing some thing with look like.
To: Medina Justin Yak
Daaaaaamn girl, you clean up good. I think it’s best if you do come over before the transaction, so I can meet you in person and “get to know you better.” I want to make it clear to you that if I help you with this bank transfer, you will have to sign a contract in my country to become my domestic sex slave for a time period of no less than five years. I am not a good Samaritan. There has to be something in it for me, and since money doesn’t sexually arouse me, your orifices will have to do. If this is agreeable to you, please let me know so I can send you my bank and personal information.
The stipulation of this sex contract will be as follows:
1. You will have to perform oral sex on me every morning and every evening, as I either wake up or fall asleep.
2. Regardless of what you are doing in the house, you will drop your pants and bend over upon command for on-the-spot quickies.
3. You will go ass-to-mouth upon demand.
4. You will perform sex no less than twice per day (the only exception being when I am too exhausted from having sex with other women).
5. You will talk dirty and call me such names as “daddy” and “uncle” while I bang your gorgeous, Sudanese body.
Please let me know when you can come to America to fulfill these sexual requests. Once you have done so for a short trial period of 6 months, I will proceed with this bank transfer.
P.S. Did you really make a life promise to your father to study accounting? That’s amazing!
From: Medina Justin Yak
Before I send you any personal or bank information, I need a sampling of your sexual prowess. Please let me know when you can arrange a visit to America so I can bang you silly. If this doesn’t work, I can always visit you in Sudan. I will need some nookie before I send anything!!!
This may come off as sounding bitter or reactionary, considering that the Lakers are two-time defending champions, clinched the second seed in the Western Conference this year, and are in another pursuit for a championship… but after Game 4 of the Lakers-Hornets series last night, I am officially sick of this team. I’m sick of the fact that we have possibly the best bench in the game, and yet nobody is willing to step up. I’m sick of the fact that Pau Gasoft won’t assert himself in the paint and settles for jump shots when he could easily abuse the Hornet’s interior. I’m plain ol’ tired of Derek Fisher and how slow he is on defense and how bad he’s become on offense. More than anything, I’m sick of this team just not seeming to care until they are on the brink of elimination. This team got off to such a hot start that people were talking about them surpassing Jordan’s 72-win Bulls team. And you know what, I honestly think they could have done it too, if it weren’t for the fact that they constantly play down to their competition and seemingly pick and choose when they want to make an effort to play. I could explain away the multiple 3+ losing streaks this regular season, that disastrous 5-game losing streak towards the end of the season… the Lakers do this every year, I rationalized, even defended. But I can’t explain this… this lackadaisical, unassertive, almost bored style of play. Maybe they’ll right the ship, maybe they won’t, but it’s just frustrating to see them out there like this. Hey, at least we still have Khloe and Lamar.
Our Weakening Dollar
I understand why our dollar is so shitty right now. The rising value of comparative currencies/economies, artificially low interest rates by the Federal Reserve, the federal government printing it like crazy to fund Obamacare, the rising cost and scarcity of raw materials (especially oil)… whatever. I get it. I’m just fucking sick of it. HEY FEDS! STOP MASS PRINTING THIS SHIT TO BAIL OUT OF YOUR DEBT SO YOU CAN FUND MORE WELFARE PROGRAMS! YOU THINK YOU’RE HELPING, BUT YOU’RE JUST FUCKING OVER ALL OF US!! It doesn’t take a Nobel-prize winning economist to figure out that the current situation is not working. I understand the proponents of this absurd status quo defend the Fed’s actions by claiming shocks in the money supply could lead to an even greater recession… but guess what, that’s the only way market correction is going to occur. Keep this artificial cycle up, and we’re all going to go bust. Sometimes I think my looney friends who buy gold and keep it locked under a safe next to their handguns aren’t so crazy after all. The way the Feds are circulating this shit, hyper-inflation is bound to hit us by 2012. Maybe the Mayans were right. END OF THE WORLD, HERE WE COME.
The NFL Lockout
Nothing is more annoying than listening about millionaires and billionaires argue about how to divide $9 billion. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, THERE’S A FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON TO PREPARE FOR HERE!!! We’re already missing the normal free agency period and all the rookies coming in this season are going to be totally unprepared to contribute because they’ll lack the necessary weeks of training camp. I am going to go completely ape-shit if the regular season is shortened or delayed in any way. Do the owners/players not realize how disgusted Americans are about this? Oh well, at least this dispute sounds like it will be settled eventually… the NBA lockout on the horizon looks much worse. Players and owners literally disagree about whether the NBA is making or losing money there. A lockout is almost a certainty. Fuck, there goes my fantasy basketball league.